Those prison bars cannot sustain him. I close my eyes and he emerges from the dark. My heart starts to race as I have memories of the crime he perpetrated against me. They are memories that haunt the inner core of my being. They grip me so tight that breathing is impossible. My body shakes uncontrollably because I cannot escape the demon that dwells within my consciousness. It is occurring all over again and there is nothing I can do to make it disappear. Sleep is something that I never get consistent. The nightmares inhibit me from getting restful sleep. Most mornings I wake up feeling like I haven’t slept a wink.
The nightmares generate fear. I am frightened of the dark and I often keep myself from falling asleep. I am terrorized in my sleep and I want to avoid it all costs.
During the day I cannot escape the torture either. Occasionally I have flashbacks that cause me to experience the agony all over again. The flashbacks occur at the slightest glimpse, odor, or sound that reminds me of the incident. I need to let it run its course before I can snap back into reality. I feel so powerless because I cannot control it. The trauma is hardly over two years old, but it feels like it just took place yesterday.
Once the flashback has passed, my depression and anxiety take over. Sometimes I cry until there are no tears left in my blood shot eyes and my head hurts to the point of explosion. Other times I turn to self destructive behavior to relieve the anxiety. I hate myself for it afterwards. I often wish I was dead so I wouldn’t have to deal with the shame and guilt associated with being a cutter. I yearn to be able to stop, but it’s an addiction I can’t break. The initial feeling I get from it is so gratifying until I realize what I just did.