Thursday, June 7, 2012

My strength, courage, and faith..

I have experienced true anguish and hopelessness. I was violated in the most atrocious way possible. I had my innocence, which I tried so hard to hold on to, violently ripped out of my grasp. I was violated in a way that has left me forever scarred and damaged. Sometimes I don’t think I will ever fully heal from this life changing affliction. I feel as if my body will never be cured from this agonizing torment that consumed my entire being. The pain has yet to depart from my dejected soul. Sometimes I am able to hide it away in the depths of my essence, but it is never completely gone. It is just hidden away… waiting for the very instance that I will let it attack me from the inner core of my scarred soul. My strength is gradually being expelled from my dilute body. I am alone. I feel like I am left to rot in this desolate place that I once knew far too well. The memories are constantly playing over and over again in my vanquished mind. There are days when the pain is so intense that I feel like my insides are being fiercely ripped apart by the presence of despair. I am drowning in shame and embarrassment. I am overwhelmed by fear, and I have many sleepless nights. The fear is inescapable, and I can feel its shadow lurking in the darkness. My tears flow like a river through the dark woods of reality. My weeping is sometimes so extreme that it causes my body to violently shake. My weariness is almost blinding at times, and sometimes I am unsure if I will ever see the end of this hell… but then God takes a hold of my trembling hand and reassures me that he will carry my helpless body through this agony.

When I feel I can’t go on I look deep inside my soul and reach for my faith. For me, faith is more than just believing. Faith is a connection that I share with God. God is always with me even in my weakest moments. Faith is being able to be aware of God’s presence and entrusting your life in His hands. The realization that God is always there for me even when I think he isn’t has taught me that my purpose in life is to serve God by living a life that honors Him. God will be right by my side every step of the way. He has made me strong and courageous, and with His help I can get through whatever life throws at me. At times my life feels more than hopeless; I know that through God there is hope. God gives me the strength and courage to carry on during these troublesome times in my life. There are days when I feel extremely depressed, and I just want to give up. Sometimes I feel like the pain won’t go away. It just comes more every day, and it suffocates me until I can no longer breathe on my own. The devil gets into my heart and makes me think that I am worthless. At times the devil drives me to harm myself and turn my back on God. It is a constant battle that I face every day, and I often lose the battle. I have many wounds and scars both physical and emotional. I know that every time I break down and fall God is always right there to pick me back up again. He holds my hand as I walk through this vicious, wicked world and holds me close to Him as I cry. He wipes away my tears and declares to me that things will eventually get better. When devastating things happen in my life it is hard to believe that things will ever get better. I have learned that things always get worse before they get better. No matter what happens there is always hope. There is hope in God. God has the power to strengthen the weak and bring happiness to those in complete distress. God allows dreadful things to happen, but it is not in His plan. There is divine beauty found in total hours of darkness and a beautiful sunshine rising over the horizon.

Experiencing so much pain left me in a state of disarray. I feel like I am falling into a never-ending hole. I am drowning in my sorrows, and I don’t know what to do. I am a strong person, and when I finally heal from this I will be an even stronger person. I have done nothing wrong, yet some days I feel like I am being punished. Those are the consequences of being a victim. I no longer want to be a victim. I hate the word victim. It sounds so powerless. I have strength and I have courage. I am a survivor. A survivor keeps on living. This is the next step in my healing journey… to keep on living.

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